No
one ever enthusiastically came out of a meeting and said ‘Wow! That was
life-changing!’ unless they got fired in that meeting. The IT sector is not as cool as the air conditioned cabins we are stationed in. Sometimes elaborate mails are received which
are too much to make head or tail of. You read it, and read again, and again, still
no clue. You see the list of people to whom the mail has been sent to, and look
around to see their expressions. This is one of the best forms of entertainment
in the IT department. There should have been a meeting to discuss that rocket
science of an email but some mastermind decided not to.
On
other days, there are meetings which are long and completely unnecessary after which you
feel like a month passed by and it is time to do eyebrows again.
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| Image Courtesy: Here |
However
in my case I do not go prepared for any meeting. I am not proud of it though. I
check with my boss whether my presence is absolutely necessary. If she feels I
should participate, I make a guest appearance. My public speaking skills are as
good as Varun Dhawan’s acting skills, so my boss does not drag me in
unnecessarily. My strongest skill is the ability to write email. If anyone
tries to ruffle my feathers, they stand the chance to receive the most
elaborate, shrewdly worded email, with screenshots, bullet points and hints of
sarcasm that could be nominated to The Literary Award for Emails. This
has not deterred anyone from picking bones with me but my email attack is never
mild. There will also be atleast ten people it would have been copied to. At some meetings, if you could listen
to what I am talking inside my head, you will be blown away by my incompetence
on the verbal front.
I
like to watch my colleagues bring books, pens, ipads or laptops to meetings,
and how they take these discussions seriously. They fiercely debate over topics,
disagree aggressively but leave the room holding hands or making jokes. I mean,
how is this possible? When I have an official argument with a person I’d be secretly
planning to screw his life.
Then
there are legends that arrive with punch dialogues. Like for example I put
forth a suggestion and they say “There are four disadvantages to that option”.
I wouldn’t have finished saying my suggestion and they have already counted four
counter arguments! FOUR! I am completely NOT in awe of such people. How did he
possibly come up with four points before I finished talking? Basically, there
are only 3 points - the 1st and 3rd are the same, they
are just worded differently. The second point is not related to the topic.
So
the moral of the story is that if you want to be taken seriously inside the air
conditioned glass cabins:
1. You should
have that confidence to say in a forum, ‘I have three points to add’ when you
actually have none.
2. Argue with a
person on their field of expertise in a language and tone of speech that bowls
over the entire panel.
3. When someone
talks logically and you don’t know what to reply, smile sarcastically as if you
knew what he is talking ten years ago.
4. When someone
brings up an idea, immediately spring up from the chair and claim that it was
your idea and that you were about to say it (then what held you back you moron?)
5. If you are
not the boss, ACT like one. Laugh only at the boss’s joke. Ignore the jokes of
everyone else.
6. Never keep
your phone on silent mode, and answer your calls (most likely from the credit card section of the bank) with an
expression like Trump called for a mission to save the planet and walk back
in after the smoke in the meeting has subsided.
7. At any point
of time, maintain the constipated expression.
Looks like I could go on and on and publish a book about ‘Corporate
Survival for Dummies’ (written by a dummy who is still trying to stay afloat) but
honestly, my department is bursting with ideas to write more!
Let me go back to
work now, I have an email to compose ;-)
