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Tuesday, March 9, 2021

Frown Mode.

Besides Siri and Alexa, Pinterest understands me and my interests like no other. On stressful days, my Pinterest home page literally transports me to a world where there are no deadlines, annoying colleagues or emails that begin with 'gentle reminder' , 'as already discussed' and the like. Knowing me, it never displays any recipes or religious advice. Sometimes it randomly pops up hairstyle ideas. However, every hair styling tutorial have prerequisites and not everyone can try it. To begin with, you should have HAIR. Crazy right? 

So the other day, I was hunting for my passport size photo at home. The probability of finding the passport size photo is directly proportional to the respect one has in my house. Like for example, there were many of my spouse, son and parents. And NOT ONE photo of mine. So I headed to the nearest studio to get mine clicked, and the studio lady made me feel at home (more than my family did while I was searching for the photo) and was patient enough to wait until I combed my hair scalp. After that I adjusted my eyebrows which was permanently set in frown mode. She then asked me to relax, and my brain was like, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY RELAX.

In another couple of minutes I sat on a chair looking at her camera lens, and this cheerful young lady clicked a few pics. I walked up to her to see what it looked like. I was disappointed, and so was she. After observing me for a few seconds she said "Why don't you smile? You look so angry".

I looked at my picture again and realized that she was right. I have a resting bitch face and a permanent frown which has grown into my facial structure. Thanks to my colleagues and corporate politics, some of my facial muscles that are supposed to activate when I smile, are in coma. I went back to the chair and tried to smile. The colossal effort I had to put in to smile without looking constipated is indescribable. 

I proceeded to the car wash station, because one more layer of dust could make my wind shield completely opaque. As I waited near the automatic car wash entrance, one guy came up to me and said 'Madam you see that N there on your gear? You need to push your gear to N. N, Madam, N!!!

Just because I am a woman it is presumed that I do not know what a Neutral gear is? Does this guy talk like this to men also, I wondered. Dude, I am an engineer and these are the ABCs of engineering, I wanted to explain. N it seems! I went from frown mode to rebel mode and continued to keep my gear in D for the sake of proving my point. 

The only point that was proven was that I couldn't follow instructions even after it has been told repeatedly.

 If that studio lady was here I could have explained to her why I was permanently frowning.

Monday, February 1, 2021

Catechism Diaries!


Image Courtesy: Here

My son has been attending virtual Catechism classes on the weekends, thereby inviting a lot of displeasure from his father who is propagating atheism albeit only verbally.  The spouse's actions contradicts every single word he ever says and it does not surprise or annoy us anymore. He always supplies examples of great men (Steve Jobs being the single and only example) being atheists and when we are in our hometown, kneels oh-so-religiously near the altar at the church.

The kiddo missed some Catechism classes because I overslept on some weekends. By the way, I work really hard on weekdays and put up with a lot of morons which is mentally exhausting, so I am allowed to sleep in on weekend. Even the Bible says that you need rest at the end of the week, and of all the people, the holier-than-thou Catechism teacher should know that.

One day, his Catechism teacher called me and demanded an explanation as to why the kiddo missed the class. I could have blamed it on network connectivity or laptop malfunction but hey, it is the weekend and I have taken off from all forms of brain activity. I blabbered something which she mistook as some form of acceptance and she started an interrogation session with me which resulted in me maintaining complete silence at the other end of the line. The lady had to say 'hello' multiple times to check whether I went into a coma during her zero hour.

This incident ruffled some feathers of the wannabe atheist hubby. He kept muttering something to himself about the audacity of the teacher and whether her actions were in alignment with the Bible in the first place. Remember, I was still on weekend mode and already I have internal and external resources who are unhappy early in the morning (around 11:30 am) for the strangest reasons. I decided however, that this situation is not in my scope and retreated to my zone.

So the class started with a prayer and the teacher started sharing a presentation about sins. Ironically, the pissed off wannabe atheist hubby, seemed much amused by the choice of subject for the class. The teacher had clinically categorized different types of sins and by the end of the class the kiddo was a new person already. And not in a good way.

At lunch:

"Mom have you ever sinned?"

Me: *Munching a fruit* *makes chewing noises*

Hubby: "What are you talking about? Your mother does not even know what sin is!"

"Maaa I am serious..." cried the child.

Me: *Ignoring everyone, still chewing*

Hubby:  "Yeah she used to, nowadays she is not in the mood"

Me: *Laughing my lungs out*

"Maaaa!! I really want to know..." the child was losing it.

Me: *Can't breathe any longer*

Kiddo after his patience ran out completely:

"No wonder that teacher called and scolded guys can't ever respond properly to anything!"

Tuesday, November 10, 2020

Book Review: Shopaholic to the Stars

Shopaholic to the Stars
Author: Sophie Kinsella
Genre: Humor

‘Shopaholic to the Stars’ is the 7th book authored by Sophie Kinsella in the shopaholic series. It is the story of shopaholic Rebecca Brandon (Becky) who moves to LA with her family and her best friend Suze, and tries to make it big in Hollywood as a celebrity stylist. Everything from Hollywood celebrities to yoga retreats to paparazzi to red carpet fashion, all of which Becky had always dreamt of, features in this book and the reader gets to find out whether Becky gets to live her dream.

I own every one of Sophie Kinsella’s books. Becky, the quirky, loveable shopaholic around whom all Kinsella’s  Shopaholic books are based on, had always been a good hearted, happy-go-lucky girl, even though she  goes on careless shopping sprees, which culminates into hilariously worded consequences.

 ‘Shopaholic to the Stars’ is not a book I was hooked on to, because this time around, Becky is so super annoying and insensitive that when I reached to one-thirds of the book, I was just wishing that this was over. Like every one of Sophie Kinsella’s other books, I hoped that there would be a twist wherein Becky would be redeemed from her shallow deeds, but the protagonist goes from annoying to vain to almost evil. Even the ‘shopaholic’ factor that keeps the series going is missing from the premise. The book concludes on a cliffhanger that hints to a sequel.

Sophie Kinsella has a knack for humor and her writing is light hearted and seamless throughout the book.

The unappealing character of the protagonist, the massive diversion from the ‘shopaholic’ theme and the reduced number of laugh-out-loud moments makes this book incomparable to Sophie Kinsella’s super hit series.

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars.

Thursday, November 5, 2020

Corona Diaries: Netflix Addiction

Image Courtesy: Here

Ever since lockdown started, which now seems like forever ago, I have been very committed to Netflix. Even when work kept me on my toes, I always found time to catch up with it. This is only a dignified way of saying that I was ignoring my family and binge watching Netflix series. Well, I must say that it is much better than watching repetitive corona updates on national television.

I started with Suits, which is like the 'Sound of Music 'of courtroom dramas. When it ended, my life seemed meaningless so I started watching Money Heist which is a crime drama, and my life blossomed again. I never expected Money Heist to actually keep me glued to it for hours. Later I decided against watching any series which was when I found ‘How to Get Away with Murder’. Trust me, if you work in a corporate, you really have to watch this one.  Or the people will make you want to explore the options at least.

I may sound like these are some of my achievements, I must admit that my dedication to each of these series was very commendable.

The series ‘How to get Away with Murder’ made me realize that I don’t own any weapons apart from kitchen knives. Everyone in that show owns guns (which are rarely used for self-defense). Even the nerdy students. Whenever someone knocks at their door, they impulsively open the drawer and get their hands on the gun before they even see who it is. What if it was the food delivery guy you people! I never see any of you cooking! Ever! Whereas whenever someone rings the bell at my home, I hurry to wear a presentable pajama and comb my hair using my fingers, else they may shoot me as an act of self-defense against me.

By the way, in the series, the gun drawer always contains ONLY the gun. The characters live in studio apartments and never repeat any of their outfits but can manage to free a drawer only for the gun? This reminds me of my full term pregnant drawers and cupboards. The moment I open one, I would be lucky if a carom board dint fall on my head. If I had a weapon I would keep it in a drawer where there are socks, books, acrylic paints, hair clips, lip balms, a hanger and half of a cabbage.

Secondly, have you noticed that these guys in courtroom dramas do not trust anyone? All calls are recorded without consent, friends and family members turn out to be backstabbers, and cheaters who can camouflage themselves so well to fit in but they exist only for the benefits! Well, I must say this part is very close to real life. Nothing dramatic about that you see. There are characters in this show who remind us of people we all know and can relate to, at the back of our minds, but we force ourselves to believe otherwise. It is an eye opener.

I must say the first two seasons of ‘How to Get Away with Murder’ is dark and negative during which we may even want to quit. However, from the third season it gets better and the finale is an absolute gem. If you are a naïve person whose sharpest weapon is a kitchen knife and has messy drawers, watch it. It can help you get thicker skin and even prompt you to look out for the type of people you should definitely stay away from.

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