Church Etiquette for Dummies.

As an uber-cool, club-hopping, midnight partying, forever socializing person that I am, one of my much-envied weekend activity is waiting outside the church for two hours in the scorching sun while the son is at Catechism. By the way, I don’t know what is club-hopping or midnight partying and if checking Instagram for the 137^th time in one hour counts as socializing then yeah I am forever socializing.

To be honest I am not a regular church goer. My partner-in-crime (legally addressed to as husband) does not believe in the concept of going to church to pray. He says he wants to retain whatever peace that is remaining. I don’t disagree completely and I don’t agree also because in marriage we are not supposed to agree with each other. It is sinful.

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When I was younger (I'm still young), our grandparents taught us to dress conservatively while going to church. My Mom always wears her new sarees to the church first. All people in church were dressed either in sarees or salwars or tunics that were appropriate for a place of worship. Now if you see, times changed drastically. People arrive at church in their luxury vehicles with a statue of Jesus stuck in the front (which needs immediate cleaning because it is starting to look like Che Guevara) and makes a grand entry in a black t-shirt with a picture of a beer bottle right there in front captioned “Beer is Life”. Inside the church, at every 100 meters there is a small board that says ‘God sees you’. I am not sure whether these people see the board (or a mirror).

So yesterday I had to pick my son fifteen minutes before the mass was over and drop him at a birthday party. Oh yes, that is a sin and I am a sinner. He is just six, it’s not like he was on his knees and talking to God from the subconscious.  In my defense, I am sure God will agree that it is better this guy leaves the mass. He is that guy whose pranks distract everyone. His Catechism teacher rolled her eyes at me as if I was Satan. “You can take him when the mass is over” she said strictly, pointing to my son who was winking behind her and making few other kids laugh. I pleaded ‘Ma’am we have to go somewhere, it’s very urgent” (otherwise we won’t get cake ;-)) and she was burning with fury. So this is a Catechism teacher with a zero tolerance. I now know why I have to literally drag my son to church on Saturdays. This is the exact opposite of how the scriptures have to be taught and practiced.

Once you exit the church there is a 45 minute wait for traffic to clear until the main exit. This is a ground for cut-throat competition because either you go first or ensure that others don’t go. The priest said something about patience but what does he know- he does not drive and travels in chauffeur driven cars. Priests often give us marriage advice also. You should see the hues evolving from myriad facial expressions in the congregation.

Then there are others whose phones do not have a functioning silent mode. In my knowledge Charles Babbage would have invented the concept of silent mode in the 1800s. The intention of bringing the phone or keeping it in full volume inside the church is something we have to ask God in fasting and meditation. I am sure He also will not be able to comprehend such complicated psychological behavior.

I am not holier than any one of you to lecture about church etiquette but I really think that keeping a gadget away and dressing better is not as hard as trying to get your car out of the church premises.

Right?

Small but Happy Things.

The systems we work on at office are unavailable due to maintenance being done on them and for us techies this means - YOOHOO !!!. It is a digital hartal which is a welcome break and an amazing opportunity to look at ourselves in the mirror and reflect on how old we have become, the scalp of our heads getting more conspicuous, the ever-growing forehead, the crow’s foot which is gaining prominence and the panda eyes that can’t be ignored. Now don’t you say that pandas are cute.

We compare pandas for all the wrong reasons. You have a beer belly and say it looks like that of a Panda. You develop dark circles under your eyes  and again call yourself a panda. Even though all of these look cute on the Panda, he went on to learn Kung Fu and became famous whereas you are stuck in your cubicle.

Some small but happy things happened recently.

One is that I have been nominated for Indiblogger awards under Humor and Personal categories.  In humor I am competing with the likes of Mr.Bean and Mickey Mouse. Not exactly, but other bloggers in that category are all exemplary in the genre and are established columnists. In the personal category, again my competitors are bloggers who have it in them to be one day shortlisted for the Pulitzer Prize. Basically I have no choice but to congratulate myself for having the nerve to go nominate myself in the contest. This nerve is also known as shameless.

Second small but happy thing is that my parents were here for a month and we had the time of our lives. We went on picnics, ate Mom’s heavenly food, experienced what it actually means to live in a clean house, and my son became a bit hyper excited- well there is a downside to every upside.  Then they left and as usual I went into homesickness mode in my own house. When you’re homesick you are actually not ‘HOME’-sick - you are just missing your parents. Who doesn’t, right? Especially when you have to leave them to go back to your mundane life. The day I came from the Departures section of the airport, I was too sad to cry. Life has to go on, right?

Third small but happy thing is that one of my acquaintances became so obsessed with the three piercings on my ears that she took a picture of just my ear and looked at it like Ranveer Singh looks at Deepika. Isn’t that a wow moment? I have never felt so proud of any other part of my body before.  No, wait. I did once before when my Engineering final semester results came and I was so proud of my brain even though half of the marks came from a project which I dint do.

Fourth small but happy thing is that my son has started reading quite well and is very excited about his new skill. I am a super proud mother (except when he reads my whatsapp messages).

Fifth small but happy thing is that I have lost a lot of weight owing to excessive work, stress and other lifestyle factors but weight loss is something one should never complain about. My parents are not too happy about this, but like I said, there is a downside to every upside ;-)

When turbulences strike, when your loved ones no longer think of you as priority, count your small and happy things. I already counted five ! These are the things we live for. Laugh aloud.  Laugh like crazy, unapologetically, freely. Live for the parents who will always love you. For the friends who worry about you when you whatsapp them at 4 am. For the colleagues who make the workplace lively. For the cashier who always smiles at you. For the tiny tots in the neighborhood who wave at you. For the wine that is waiting for you. And for the person who actually pinged me on facebook and asked why I am not updating my blog – here is to you dear – you actually made my day which was not going too well.



Image Courtesy: Here

 

Cheers to little things and people that brighten up the day!


Those of you who still think this blog should be up there on Indiblogger awards, click the image on the top right of this page or click here and leave me a testimonial :-)

A recap of June..

June was my birthday month and usually the time I post euphorically on how the day went, but let’s face it guys, birthdays are not fun as we grow older. It is almost like I did not want this day to come so soon. There were gifts, cake-cutting, photos and new clothes, but the thought that I was younger just the previous day is deeply saddening to say the least.

On the job front I can figuratively say that I am being sliced and dumped into a blender. My brain now works overtime, and even while conversing with people I have a load of stuff running in parallel in my brain. I am overloaded with work which has reflected in my behavior in the recent past and I am guilty to have pissed off some people.  Over a period of time I have turned into a workaholic and I know that because nowadays I dream software codes. To be honest, I am now a complete loser of a wife, mother and friend but a full time consultant and programmer.

Anyone who may have gone through this space earlier may know that I am a die-hard fan of SRK. However, yesterday the most unimaginable happened. It was a school buddy’s birthday and a friend posted this latest viral selfie of Madhavan in whatsapp group and all of us married women with babies(ya, plural) became sinners  and were in blatant violation of one of the Ten Commandments.

 

Such hotness that my phone almost exploded.

My brain ditched the codes and took me back to that train scene in Alaipayuthey ....how exhilaratingly he rode that bike near the beach just before the song ‘Pachai Nirame’ ...and Kadhal Sadugudu! Alaipayuthey released when I was in 11^th standard and the naïve convent school girl in me thought that wow- men are so cute! And that is the biggest lie my friends :D

Maddy had and still has such an impact that my best friend named her son Madhavan. However this picture is a whole other level. It can ruin the lives of innocent girls. Even married women with kids…and morals. Maddy why did you have to do this to us? Why? **Deep Sigh***. I showed this picture to my spouse who could say that I was clearly smitten over it and he looked at it with a weird expression as if it was Shakti Kapoor and then looked at me pitifully. When people give such looks it makes you want to give them a piece of your mind but wait, isn’t that a salt and pepper beard? I realize this is a U/A blog and that I should maintain decorum. If you have any female friends going through a breakup or a bad time in general just send them this picture. It will make their day…and night ;-) #MaddyMaddyOhOhMaddy

My parents are arriving this month and very soon, so now I have to throw out unwanted stuff because every time my Mom comes, she brings a portion of Trivandrum with her. My apartment cupboards are already full term pregnant and cannot even accommodate a hairpin. Clearing out stuff from my home is a war scene as all unwanted things seem very dear to the boys who never may have seen those objects until I ask the earth shattering question ‘Do you need this?’ Suddenly they swoop in from nowhere and act like I am throwing away their boxers. Basically nothing is unwanted. It’s time we rent another flat just to keep stuff. And our parents thought that girls were high maintenance they need more space for their accessories and stuff. If anyone reading this has such an idea in mind, you are invited to my house.

My boy who recently turned six celebrated his birthday and was spoilt to the core with gifts. He has also started asking all kinds of questions and as a result I hold my sanity and patience at the tip of my fingers now. Like the other day we were driving past the church and there was just one car outside. “That must be Jesus’s car. Does he spend the whole day here?”

‘Mmm” I hummed.

“He doesn’t go to work or anything?”

This is just a sample of what usually happens here. The kind of questions I am asked every minute of the day is baffling to say the least.

In general life is going on like usual and I feel like Incy Wincy spider trying to climb up the spout but keep getting washed out by the rain. Unlike the rhyme, in life the sun does not come so soon or may not come at all ,so Incy Wincy bought a new book and is reading under an umbrella hoping the rain will subside.

Pain that glitters.

Sometimes in life, we come across situations when we suffer immense pain, which cannot be shared with anyone. Helplessness, vulnerability and trauma can weaken the strongest of people. This is a story from two months ago and no, I dint give birth.

I stepped into a popular state-of-the-art hospital that could give stiff competition to star hotels in the region. Apparently it is meant to be visited by people who have plenty of money to spare and have chronic diseases like sneezing and dandruff. They treat your acne problem and give you a facelift that can give Sridevi a run for her money, but if you have a cardiac arrest and go there on emergency you may die. My purpose of visit suited the hospital profile. The marble floors were immaculately clean and I am sure even those 0.01% germs that escaped Dettol were handled. We walked to the reception contaminating the hospital with the germs we carried involuntarily.

‘Ear piercing’ I mumbled.

 ‘Have you been here before?’ asked the receptionist who looked like Kareena Kapoor. Obviously not, young lady. People like me can come here only once in a lifetime. 

‘No’ I said.

She started a procedure that required me to provide details as though she was issuing me a new passport. When she finished her tedious yet systematic process, I received a card that looked like it was laminated and gold-plated, along with a bill huge enough to pay for the renovation of the ground floor. I was paying them to put a hole in my ears. It was not like I was asking for a heart transplant. I paid the bill (through my nose) and waited outside the specialist’s office.

There were magazines on the table, neatly stacked size wise. I dint want to contaminate them with my germ laden hands. My son who accompanied me had no questions so far but as we waited, he remotely sensed that this could be a Doctor’s office. ‘Amma I don’t have any pain anywhere! Let’s go from here! Now Now NOWWW’ !! How can children be so unreasonable? After paying a bill like that even a fire alarm couldn’t move me.

Few moments later, I was called. It was like entering an office from Grey’s Anatomy. The Doctor stared at her computer as we sat on the pristine white revolving chairs.
She then looked at me and politely said ‘Yes?’

‘Doctor, I need to get ears pierced’. I said.

She looked at my son inquisitively. Her look sent chills down his body. He in turn, gave me a death stare.

I corrected her in a split-second ‘It is for me’.

The correction was immediately made; otherwise a meltdown with ‘Why did you bring me here-I told you I have no fever -what is this- I want to see Appa NOW’ would have echoed through the hospital which always maintains pin-drop silence.

The Doctor then checked my ear which already had two piercings. She was amused. This was not as amusing to me as the cashier already put a hole in my purse. The procedure lasted hardly three minutes and two months of excruciating pain whenever my ear touched the pillow- which means I slept like a statue facing the ceiling for two months, and suffered sleepless nights whenever I twisted or turned in my sleep. Then there were nights I woke up and cried why oh why do we have ears on both sides !?

Now it is like an achievement I should include in my bio data and Facebook profile. I also made sure that my hair does not cover it at any time because hard work, pain, patience and persistence is for everyone to see. I literally burned the midnight oil for a worthy cause! I couldn't complain about this pain to ANYONE, not even parents or friends, as I did not want to willfully invite irritating responses like ‘Did I ask you to pierce your ears?’

 ‘What kind of emergency made you pierce a third time?’

‘It was your decision, suffer on your own’

People who get the opportunity to say the above dialogues enjoy sadistic pleasure which I personally do not intend to give them. So I suffered in silence the outcome of my own decisions.

Whenever it hurts and I have no one to say it to, I look at my reflection on the mirror, how cute my bejeweled ears look. It heals all kinds of pain. Trust me.