Tuesday, October 2, 2012

A hate chronicle.

Ten years ago. It was the last session for the day at college, and time seemed to stagnate. My yawns got heavier and longer, cheek muscles stretched out. Neither did the repeated glaring at the watch prove useless, vigorously shaking it to make it go faster invited attention from the teacher as well. The rest of the pupils who were at their acting best were bored too, but they controlled the yawns that kept coming. The teacher pretentiously went on with the lecture, totally aware of the plight of students who were at the verge of falling into a slumber. Finally the bell rang, which came like music to our ears.

As usual, the boys who had to board trains and college buses pushed their way out sooner than us, while we had all the time in the world to stroll peacefully to the hostel which thankfully or not was in the same campus as the college. I closed my book, opened my purse and put the unused pen in it, and got up just to see a gang of boys coming towards me. The one who led the group had a stack of cards, which by appearance looked like invitation cards. I stood at the edge of my bench, facing them, and the rest of my bench mates farther away from the fast approaching bunch of guys. The gang leader announced that it was his sister’s marriage, and that he wanted to hand over personalized invitation cards. He started with the last girl in my bench, called her by name, leaned forward in front of me and extended the card to her. This continued until it was my turn. I waited, with expecting eyes, and to this day I curse that moment. To my surprise, he acted like he was completely oblivious of my presence, overlooked me purposely and kept distributing to the next row of girls and to everyone but me. I noticed the smirk on his lips and the evil in his eyes. The other boys in the gang, who were just behind their leader, booed and howled at me, when one guy, Sai, pointed at me and laughed humiliatingly. I realized the intention, and walked out of the classroom burning with anger and disgust of the highest degree.

When I went back to the hostel the girls were already talking about the royal wedding. Many of them were aware of how I was ruthlessly uninvited, but I guess girls in college get some sadistic pleasure from such incidents and only pretend to be sympathetic. If you ask me, yes I was genuinely shattered for a moment or two especially the laughter of Sai which kept ringing in my ears a little longer than it should have.


Thankfully, I had a couple of genuine friends who blasted me for even feeling bad, as the guy who did this was a pest of sorts. He dint even deserve our time, I was told and was not allowed to talk about this incident. However I secretly nurtured hatred towards Sai.


Let me explain why they did this to me. These guys were like an isolated entity by themselves in our class. They never interacted with anyone but themselves. They scored negligible or no marks at all, and boycotted University exams with ease. They were a pain to any teacher. To top this, they dressed like goons. The month before this catastrophic incident, it was my sister’s marriage and I invited only a few of my friends from hostel and college to it. This supposedly triggered a revenge plan among them against me, and I don’t understand why on earth they could expect to be invited, given that none of them have ever talked to me or acknowledged my existence. So the marriage of the gang leader guy’s sister came like a blessing to them and they utilized the opportunity to perfection.

Days passed and it was exam time. One fine exam eve, around noon, I was walking in the corridor, daydreaming with a book held just for formality, when a friend came running towards me with panic in her eyes. She halted near me, and said…’ Your classmate…’ and gasped to take breaths….I asked.. ‘Who?’  She continued, suppressing breathlessness that ate into her words..  ‘your classmate, Sai, had been in a serious bike accident’. She continued to puff and pant, and I heedlessly exclaimed ‘Where!’..She continued, ‘He was going to another guy’s house for combined study... He wore a helmet as well, but he was hit by a lorry and the helmet dint help... he has a head injury and is in a coma now’. With that I almost dropped my book. I couldn't believe my ears. The news of the accident spread like wildfire and I was totally blank to think anything. 

I was surprised with my own mindset- I hated this guy to my very core but I never wished or cursed that anything bad should befall him. We sat together at my room in hostel, each of us silent and in our world of memories about him. None of us had anything good to say, but we just couldn't let go of a batch mate like that. No, nothing would happen, we wished.

The hostel did not look like an exam eve anymore. Usually the place would bustle with activity, group discussions and combined study, students looking very modest and intelligent all the way. However the news had fallen hard on us and we had stopped thinking about the examination. Nobody talked to each other.

Suddenly a phone call at the warden’s room stifled its way into our thoughts. It rang louder than usual as it echoed its way into the unusually silent corridors. The warden answered it, and talked for like 30 seconds and placed the receiver down. She looked at the corridor blankly and in a few seconds gestured to my friend to go to her room. They talked for at least five minutes and she walked back to us to say, ‘Sai passed away’.


Days passed.


I wondered about the lost time which could have been spent being friends, but was misused to hate each other. That sometimes an untimely demise of someone we know is what it takes to make us realize that the present is actually precious and the future, completely clueless.   

30 comments:

  1. How true...present is all we have got..who knows what will happen the next moment...

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  2. ok, I'll play devil's advocate here. I know what you're saying is right - that instead of hating each other , should have gotten to know each other and maybe become friends.. but I have done this from personal experience - it resulted in them finding out more about me and my family and targetting me even worse when the next opportunity came along... sad as it is to say, some people dont deserve the honour of a friendship.

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    1. I agree to what you said. The choice of whom to forgive and whom to discard lies in our experience.

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  3. Sometimes indifference to people can help. It need not necessarily means we should wish bad things to happen. . But in my experience keeping a distance from the wrong company helps. . If you try friending them, they might as well take you down to their level. .

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    1. I completely agree with you Rohan. At one level its good I never interacted with them. However I wish I never provoked them also!

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  4. Anita,

    Hate is a very strong and negative emotion which affects own mind a lot. One should never hate, may be ignore if one does not like someone. I agree with you that one should never wish anything bad to happen to anyone, even those whom one does not like. Sad but lesson told should be followed by everyone.

    Take care

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    1. Yes, But hatred does not happen on purpose. It is very hard to ignore and thats when hatred plays a role.

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  5. Anita I dont think you provoked them. But I do agree with your friends. He didnot deserve your anger or any attention for that matter.

    About the second half of the post, it was terryfying. I lost someone from my tuition classes, and I know even if I had never spoken to him, his presence still loomed in the class. Even if we dont speak to someone or even hate him, thier presence does affect us. And your last line sums it all, every day, every min is precious. Future and past, let that go, present is important. Live it to the fullest. Life is cruel, enjoy it while it is still kind.

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    1. True, Jenny. But how little issues generate hatred and how it affects us in this short span of life- when we are unsure of the very next moment.

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  6. I soo get your feelings Anita. Death has a way making all issues, which we till then consider very important, non issues. When I see people fighting[this is nothing to do with ur post] esp with their own blood..son against father, brother against brother....I find it a total waste of precious time which cd have been spent together instead of which a lifetime of bitterness & guilt follows.

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    1. Yes, not just blood...very precious friendships are lost because of ego or silly fights...like the post you had updated...in a stage of life like that, when health is not on our side, we think of these as grave losses about which we cant do anything.

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  7. You've written this so well Aneeta. I agree with you completely. Just today I had a chat with someone I was avoiding since a few days. Things haven't been cordial between us, but I was having nightmares because of the guilt I had. I don't think we can become great friends for I know I'll get hurt again. But I know I'm not at fault now. I tried.

    We should be able to judge who is trying to harm us consciously. I would forgive not once but twice, but the third time, I would start protecting myself. It's about staying away from negative energy.

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    1. Thank you. When you do not let ego control you and have done whatever it takes to save a relationship which still refuses to budge, may be we should just let it go. Like you said it can avoid negative energy and bitterness getting into us.

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  8. Anita, well said and very well written. Sad to know about the accident though. This is how I look at it. I can understand the concern you had towards your supposed 'enemy'. That's genuine human concern. As you rightly pointed out, life is too short to waste on hating people. But it's also too short to open up to people who only knows how to hate.. From the boy's side, I can tell you that the gang always works on Ego :D They will never take the first step to get to know anyone other than their group mates..

    I think we all have gone through such situation before. Some regrets here and there, and life move on :)

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  9. Regrets are a part of your future...just cant escape the if only's and 'Why didnt I'. Loved how this one was wrote. Men and their gangs!! Really sad for SAI!!

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    1. yeah...some guys are reasonable when they are on their own. It is the gang concept that makes them villains.

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  10. Oh! what an untimely end.

    We all come with a purpose. I'm sure Sai served his.

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  11. Really very well written dear .. after reading this article , must say .. appreciate what we have before it becomes what we had ..
    i really liked your writting style ...

    Way2express ~~

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