Most of us had or
still have a helper at home who stayed with us long years like a part of the
family. There were loyal, trustworthy and above all, genuine. They never demanded
anything, but we gave them because we wanted to. However, things are not the
same now. A huge percentage of domestic helps are annoying, dishonest and even
immoral. It becomes impossible to tolerate some of them.
Recently I had this hilarious chat with my friends on
whatsapp and it opened a dam of stories from them, who are settled in various
continents. Here comes!
The Jewel Thief: These are usually women who talk and act
like your own mother and gain all your trust. They talk about life, wisdom and
loyalty. They also compliment you like no one has ever done before. They get
the affection of your children and she kisses them like their grandparents
would. She tells you how to talk to your husband (that is in a low voice with
lot of respect, unlike her) and how to sit like a woman. You start to blindly
let her clean all rooms without any supervision … and you realize that the gold
ring is missing and the kitchen stuff start disappearing at a suspicious pace.
The Incorrigible Chatter Box: This one is all words. She has
solutions to all first world problems. She wanted Sachin to retire. She likes
Modi and gives her verdict on the same. All this when it is 7:59 a.m , the
school bus is honking outside and breakfast is not ready yet. Her opinions are
all over the place. She gives you tips on how to stop hair fall, get a fairer
complexion because it is necessary to keep the husband interested, which God to
pray to, and how to manage family expenditure. If you have one child she
decides when to have another one, and if you have two she convinces you that
three children are fun. She also misses few rooms while sweeping because of all
this precious advice that is bursting out of her brain is getting in the way.
By the time she leaves, you want to rest because so much information was conveyed
in such a short time. But she doesn’t let you close the door because she forgot
to share some home remedies for dark circles and dandruff. By the time you
reach your room you will notice the bills that were on the floor of the room she
swept like minutes ago – still there. So is the coffee stain.
The Ooh la la: She is as desperate as desperation can get. Her
spiritual leader is Poonam Pandey. This one comes to work with the only
intention, which is to gain attention (read: affection) from males in the
family. As men usually don’t notice, they get themselves noticed by doing
provocative antics. The first step towards achieving this goal is to study the
character of the inherent males – father, husband, son age no bar. Once that is
done, the next step is to strike conversations with them whenever possible.
When the men are not interested in small talk with the house maid, then comes
the most extreme step –Oooh la la. Trust me this is a real incident. One of my friends
had this Ooh La La help who walked across the hall wearing a white see-through
nighty wearing absolutely nothing inside. My friend’s father and husband were
sitting there that time.
The Wannabe: This one does not try hard like Ooh lala. She
already knows that all the men at the house in question and in that district
for that matter had fallen for her charms. She is 54, has daughters and
grandchildren, but the charm that keeps following her is like a curse. If the
man in the house asks her to bring something because his wife was on a call,
she immediately transforms into a teenager who just got asked out by her crush.
She would generously give her kidney had he asked for it. One of my friends had
once employed this Wannabe.
Wannabe called my friend’s husband and said ‘ Listen Sir,
you should not talk to me anymore, chechi is already suspicious about us, I don’t
want to be responsible for any fallout between you two…please keep your
feelings to yourself’ and cut the call.
Later the
conversation between husband and wife (my friend) went like this:
He: Hey what is this ammachi saying? I just got and call and
she said this. I just don’t understand.
She: (Cut the call and laughed her head off and got
breathless)
He: (calls again to check) Hello what’s happening with
ammachi?
She: I don’t know but nice choice!
The Oblivious Dreamer: An entire family depends on this
person. But the Dreamer just doesn’t care. Dreamers are always late for work and
mostly untidy too. Disheveled hair, unwashed face and a disgusting bad breath are
her key identifications. Dreamers can make fake excuses sound believable and
even after arrival they are freakishly dreamy. Punctuality is a joke to them. They
do not understand time. They could take twenty minutes to make tea, and they teach
us that slow motion does not exist just in Bollywood.
The Miss. Sensitive Skin: This one pretends to be a former
Miss World. She wears colorful flip flops, but asks to change into another
pair of slippers which we should provide because her feet are too tender to
touch the floor. Glass slippers may be acceptable. She also needs a pair of gloves
to wash dishes, another for mopping. Once these are done she needs a
moisturizer to keep her hands from drying out. It should be Dove moisturizer,
as other brands may irritate her skin. She uses only Pears soap and Dove
shampoo (the one for sensitive hair) and her kitchen hand-wash must be
Palmolive. Miss Sensitive skin is high maintenance, and the way she washes is
also so mild, just like her skin, that the stain and dust in the house stays
exactly where it was before she came.
The Wedding Caterer: This one acts like a five star chef.
There is nothing in the world she can’t cook, she claims. And when you believe
that, she cooks sambar, enough to feed at least 50 hungry laborers and serves
it at the table in a biryani vessel for you and your husband who are the only
people in the house. Her calculation of cooking for two people is screwed up so
bad, that if you are not careful you could fall into that sambar bowl and
drown.
The Drama Queen: These are usually financially reasonable
helps. They have working husbands, sons, have own house with TV and gas
connection. They are basically well to do and hardworking. However they are
constantly threatened by this very fact that they feel the need to constantly
keep lamenting about how long her children had been starving, and how in ages
she has not draped a new saree. Occasionally
the drama gets so intense that crocodile tears are wiped with the pallu of her
saree and you look like a complete moron who is making a dying woman work for
you.
The One with External Affairs: This one is extremely busy.
Her phone never stops ringing and hush-hush sweet talk and sound of kisses
floating into the phone is audible even to the people in the next room. But
like someone said, love is blind and deaf. You can even hear her fixing appointments
with people over weekends. Oh and by the way she is married.
Pati, Patni Aur Woh: This one has her entire life in an open
book, which is closed only to her husband. The book that is her life is so wide
open, that the first day she joins she pretends to have known you since birth
and talks about your husband and children with total freedom. She makes
inappropriate comments about everyone and gets away unscathed because the house
is dirty and you need her. Then she tells you about her sex life, impotent
husband and her fear of getting pregnant due to… too many male ‘friends’ you
see. She even had thought of an excuse to say if she ever got pregnant and gets
questioned by the impotent dude. And that was ‘Congrats! You are not impotent! This
is a miracle in the history of medical science!’
Have you had such rare specimens mopping around your house
under the pretense of being domestic helps? If you do, please share it in the
comments section! :D
