Blessed.

Image Courtesy: Here

It’s been a mind blowing month with myriad surprises. Suddenly a lightning of change flashed across my mundane life like the Sunlight ad, and Tadaaaa !!everything is colorful again! My address has changed. My parents are here, there have been guests, birthdays in the family…and so on and so forth. Packing and moving has squeezed out the last drop of life in me. There was a point when I felt that two hands and  two feet are too less, so I promptly developed a neck sprain and was bedridden.

Sitting aback comfortably on my couch with my little man, a pillow to rest my aching arms and a hot water bottle firmly supporting my neck, a day-off gave me a much-needed break from the stifling pain of shifting.

I was also granted a sick leave(yay!), which in our organization, we get only if we are:

1. Sick.

2. We look reasonably sick.

3. Our stars are aligned. 

4. Prove that we will not request sick leave for the same reason again.

So the stars aligned themselves on the day of The India Pakistan World Cup match. My little man knew most of the players from both teams, and is surprisingly good at the technicalities of the game. He even taught me several aspects of the cricket I never knew before (it is hard to concentrate in the game when one is ogling at Kohli you see ;-) ). As he was religiously explaining I corrected his grammar and he gave me a ‘you thankless creature’ look, but otherwise it was a lovely evening. I was amazed at the mathematical calculations he was effortlessly doing while counting runs in overs and making comparisons and predictions. We had a minor setback when popcorn was served, because he is yet to understand that I am not that Mom who happily distributes the Lions share to the child and starves, being the categorical beacon of sacrifice that motherhood is. I will fight for popcorn with my child and I am not sorry.

It is amazing how much a child can teach us. Now that my son is on his summer vacation, I spend more time with him and I am bowled over by how much he knows about the world around us, and how he always keeps cool as a cucumber! Children are not selfish, and they are not completely selfless either. The toughest thing to do in life is to maintain a delicate balance between these. Children are busy with their own lives and have zero expectations. When I get bothered or unhappy, I reach to my little guy, who not only keeps me on my toes but also keeps me sane. He is bewildered by the very concept that I am pissed because of something that doesn’t really matter. He just doesn’t get it. ‘Stop thinking and deal the cards!’ he says. He is my free therapy.

The Universe has a way to help us deal with difficult situations so that we appreciate the new place, people and everything new that happens to us. We just have to accept change and change accepts us wholeheartedly. Sometimes there are bumpy rides , but rejoice! there is always change, waiting to be embraced.

What can be timelier than celebrating birthday with parents two years in a row? What can be greater than moving to a new and awesome location to stay? What can be more satisfying than finding a hidden talent? What can be better than having friends from school days who never grew up? What can be more amazing than an extra ordinary birthday ?

Blessed is the word. Life is too short to be gloomy.

 

About K..

Precisely from 1997 to 1998, we had a cat at our home. This cat strayed into our premises as a kitten, along with its cuter sibling which later died in an accident. Ever since, he became a part of our household. We named him K.  I think K was a male. K had no interest in our shoes or clothes and spent a lot of time napping, meowing and woke up only to eat, so it was clearly a male.



Image Courtesy:Here

My parents, sister or housemaid were not fond of K. However K did not need any invitation or approval and made his bed cosy on a stack of newspapers under the staircase. K stayed.

Slowly the hearts of all haters melted like ice and they even started searching for K when he was out with his friends. He had no curfew and enjoyed his freedom unlike me or my sister. We assumed that he is our feline male sibling who gets to enjoy freedom like any male in our society would. Soon K became an integral part of our lives, even though his growing friendship with the neighborhood cats bothered me.

After being a part of my family for around two years, one fateful day, K left us forever without a trace. He couldn’t be found anywhere in the neighborhood and we dint have any clue of him. I went around the neighborhood searching frantically for him and checked every nook and corner but in vain. Finally we came to terms with the horrifying fact that K was unlikely to return and that we had to move on in his absence. Years passed.

Not one day in my family whatsapp group passes without a mention of K. Papa, Mummy, sister and me being participants in this group, it could be the most versatile group in my whatsapp. We could say anything under the sun, and one or two of us may exit, leaving the rest scrolling up and down to see what went wrong! It has nostalgia, comedy, drama, suspense…you name it, and we have it. Dramatic exits being the most entertaining sport played by us, Papa continues to be the constant member of the group, who has never exited ever. Considering the topics the rest of us discuss, gossip and fight about, we couldn’t blame Papa if he considers leaving us in real for a life of meditation in the Himalayas.

 We could send Sanjay Leela Bhansali a run for his money in terms of drama. Noone can beat us at sarcasm either. Our favorite hobbies include digging up unpleasant incidents that happened three decades ago, justifying annoying relatives, taking sides and debating. We joke about our maid whose grandmother died 17 times or another one who cooked for 25 people. Earlier we did not have the option of exiting the house whenever we were pissed, but thanks to whatsapp it allows us to leave even at midnight. It has given us the freedom we never tasted as children or in youth. We ask recipe doubts; even share our unedited pictures!!! We make comments about our spouses and laugh at their expense (our parents are not a sport to this one, but we still do it anyway, because….FREEDOM!).

So recently my colleague taught us Pebble Art and with her help I made a picture of a cat.. While posting it to my family group, I innocently captioned it ‘Dedicated to K’. Never in the faintest of my dreams was I prepared to face the outpour of sentiments that followed. My sister replied ‘K, the love of our lives”.

I was like, “Really? Have you ever spoken about any human like that? Ever?”

She was not done. Later she added “He must be watching us fondly from heaven”.

With all due respect and love, I can say that she never said the same even about our deceased grandparents.

Similar drama continued and somehow my art got drowned in the fond remembrance of K. I was about to suggest that we could mark that day as the Memorial Day for K, but then that would go too far considering my sister who may start crying and take the day off.

Just by existing and minding its own business and never being of any use to anyone, K has such an impact on all of us.

I wish I could be like that someday.

 

Don't forget!

I have a section in my wardrobe dedicated for clothes that are saved for special occasions. Years passed but no festival, birthday or anniversary made it to that ‘special occasion’ category. I may consider wearing one of those when I receive a trophy from The President, which means that all of those clothes are going to die a silent death without making it into any pictures.

From grade one to 12, I wore uniform like anyone else. That is 12 solid years of repeating the same outfit. Then again destiny dragged me into an engineering college which had a pathetic uniform for student dress code. That is another 4 golden years of youth, lost, and never coming back. So 16 years of my life was wasted wearing clothes that everyone else was wearing. Before I started school, I was at home crawling and writing on walls, basically not wearing anything. That makes it 20 years of no clothes/uniforms.

So now it is undeniably understood that I have to dress up to compensate for the wasted years. I want the clothes I bought at insanely unreasonable prices to see the light of the day. The occasion called LIFE is here! Usually I don’t make a big deal about Vishu, but this time I decided to relieve some festive dresses from the darkness of my wardrobe. So I wore this super flashy pink silk kurti and paired it with big earrings and heels.

I have two pairs of heels doomed to be permanent inmates of the shoe rack. I am always a flat shoe wearer, because...

·         I walk fast as a habit, and I don’t know anything about postures or the art of feminine graceful walking.

·         My husband is only as tall as me

·         I can’t stand the galloping sound it makes as I walk through office corridors.

Vishu day was going smoothly until a critical issue came at work. Mails were flying, people walking up and down, phones ringing continuously, managers following up, and brain getting fried… Meanwhile makeup went down the drain, ankles were hurting and ears were about to fall off because of the excessively large earring. The disaster of this day was not the ankles or the ear or the office issue. It was the fact that not one picture or selfie was taken before any of this happened. There is not one proof that I tried!

Usually I do not put myself in situations where I do not have pictures of a certain day or occasion especially when I have made an effort to dress up. Finally I went home with unbearable pain on the ankles and ears, reminiscing of a day that went past without any photos. The spouse was looking at the ceiling as I was dramatically elaborating the unexplainable pain on my ankles.

Image Courtesy: Here

“Did anyone force you to wear heels?” He quipped.

 “Then who am I supposed to crib to? I don’t have a personal grievance app! You are the person who signed up for this!” I yelled.

 Seriously, if you wear heels, click pictures. If you wear extraordinarily heavy earrings, click pictures. Atleast you will not end up like me, writhing in pain, ruining peace in the family and nothing to upload on Instagram.

When trouble hits !

Whichever stage of life you are in right now, it would make sense if I say that some days are not like others. There are days when I feel excited, do everything that is pending at work or home, please everyone, return calls and messages and laugh out loud. On such days, I would win every vote if I contested in an election for ethical high-ground. Then there are THOSE days when I literally feel like a serial killer and would slay anyone who comes in my way.  In my wild imagination, I’d wear a black pointed hat, fly on a broom and carry an imaginary blood stained axe on my hand.

So what makes some days different than the others? Situations, circumstances, unwarranted behavior and last but not the least, office mails.

Some emails make me feel like I am an insignificant virus that deserves to be eradicated by a vaccine. Then some email heroes who write to me without actually writing to me, and that is an art in itself; point is to not acknowledge me directly so they conveniently keep me in Cc when the content is actually directed at me. Then there are others who utilize the free and simple tool, the email, to satisfy their own egos and disrespect others in one shot. My stress builds, appetite worsens, mood deteriorates, tear glands get activated, day gets worse. Does it matter to anyone? NO. The person who pissed me off is not even thinking about me. For them, I am an email id that happens to be in Cc. I am idiotic enough to ruin my happiness for that undeserving sender.

If you have been in my situation, ever, be it email or any other type of disrespect, you better go shopping, eat pizza, talk to your buddies, drink wine and sleep tight. Remember, no one, no one cares about what you feel or how you react. On top of that they will judge you for reacting. Sure there are a lot of holier-than-thou people there who are the veterans of moral policing as they have set unwritten rules for other people as to what they should or should not do. When I am pissed by a human, a situation or an email, I prefer to be left alone.

Image Courtesy: Here

How did people live in joint families before? Like when you’re pissed off and want to be alone, there are already five people in that room. I am so happy that I am not living in a joint family else I would be typing this from jail.

Basically I am a very volatile person. I am neither proud about it nor am I embarrassed. Why should I be embarrassed? Anger, sadness, bitterness are all emotions which God gave us. Let me rephrase that. God gave us these to test our control capacity. I failed that test magnificently.  I realize I am soft enough to feel love, hatred, anger, rejection and express it rather than being wooden and unaffected, pretending to live in a parallel universe. I am sure all the Robot 2.0 people I have come across do feel what they are supposed to feel but prefer to keep it with themselves and hence they passed the control test. Good job guys. By the way I am not competing with you.

Another thing to note is find your own way to chill. Do not depend on people or whatsapp to calm or console you; instead find a hobby, a place or a habit that can ease your mindset. For me shopping does that. So if you see me alone in the mall, run in the opposite direction.

Always know that no one cares about how you feel. No one is thinking about you. No one is bothered if you are affected by their actions. So you may as well not spend time brooding over them. Shop more. Buy things that you usually don’t. Wear the yellow shoes. Rock that off shoulder top. Show off that black mini skirt. This is our life, it is our plan A, and our ONLY plan. There is no plan B, just remember that before you break down for anyone’s actions or words again.

(Oh by the way, I am not a composed person. I wrote the above so that I can read it when trouble hits and calm myself.)

From One to ZERO !

There are times in my marriage when I know that I am the better half and he is just a half. Actually most of the time. This half works with me in the same organization so we are classic examples of overlooking the existence of each other.

When we are at our respective homes with parents on vacation, there comes a gap wherein this half gets frustrated with missing socks, misplaced id cards, laundry that has piled up like an iceberg on a chair and no one to blame. Meanwhile, my brain recognizes the absence of a significant other and soothes the body to generate happy hormones. It is a state of complete bliss and harmony, when one can exist without being under anyone’s expectation. So this time around, after two weeks of being on relax mode, he visited me at my place with tickets to the movie ZERO. First day, first show. Well it’s been a decade with this half so he knows that Shah Rukh Khan is my first love.



Image Courtesy: Here

The crazy fangirl that I am, updated on Facebook the moment I checked into the theatre with a pic of me and my little one. The half did not want to be a part of this picture or situation because it was crucial for his image to stay far away from Shah Rukh Khan Movies. So there we were, seated pretty comfortably in Gold class recliner seats, super excited about ZERO.

Few minutes in the first half of the movie went well. After that, I kept checking my Facebook and found the likes on my theatre check-in increasing exponentially. I felt elated. The songs and SRK’s charm were crushed at its prime by Anushka Sharma and her expressions that literally reached a new level of outrageousness. All my efforts to overlook her went in vain. The film which had picked up pace initially, was exploring various degrees of ridiculousness in the second half, by experimenting with characters, expressions and a story that made absolutely ZERO sense.

 

The half and the little one who were seated either side of me, glanced at me whenever SRK came on screen and was like ‘Seriously? You like THIS guy? THIS GUY? ’. Well, ten years of marital arts makes one a pro in the art of snubbing. I was holding close to my heart the Shah Rukh of DDLJ who scripted in rock, the qualities of the ultimate romantic hero. I was not going to give up on my SRK for these two judgmental creatures whose taste in movie heroes were comparable to that of a goat.

However, I secretly wished in my heart that SRK did not do this film. Or Jab Harry Met Sejal. Or Jab Tak Hai Jaan when Jesus was one of the characters – that would have been a horrifying experience even for Jesus.

The half got tired of rolling eyes at me and went to sleep. SRK and Anushka started conversing from space shuttles. R Madhavan made an appearance and I felt sorry for that guy as well. In a decade, from standing tall in ‘Three Idiots’, he fell into a pit deeper than the Pacific Ocean.  That was the real ten year challenge, guys.

Later, the reviews of ZERO were out on every platform, where movie reviewers blatantly awarded zero stars and wrote the meanest of feedback about the movie. My check-in on Facebook, captioned “first day first show”, shamelessly in caps, was still out there, nowhere to run for cover. People were now probably clicking sarcastic likes on my post and I could actually hear them roaring in laughter. Well, now the damage was done and there was no coming back. If I took down the post, I could've invited my mean friends to have a field day at my expense.

Moral:

Checking in on Facebook is injurious to health. Please read the review carefully before posting.

Believe in YOU.

I was the least competitive of all the kids I grew up with. My aunts and the friends of my parents were very happy with my existence as I had proven that I was never going to overachieve or be a competition to their children. I have nurtured this wonderful attribute and continued being the same.

My day mostly starts with counting the hours up to when I can go back to sleep again. My resolutions are mostly to stop some annoying habit or to reach a certain level in Angry Birds. It NEVER consists of anything productive. It is ironic to say this being in IT field, as my core skill requires frequent updating. However I have a PhD in the art of procrastination. If any one of you systematic and prompt people out there needs any tips on the 7 habits of highly lethargic people, I can give you a free trial speech… possibly two weeks later.

I am not in the race to look prettiest (as if I could be in that race lol ), to get promoted or to be the best in whatever I do. When I look around I can see people in a desperate attempt to climb up the corporate ladder. Well I am not judging anyone, being proactive is cool but you can also work hard in silence and not yell from rooftop if you work extra hours. I see some kids getting very serious about winning prizes for games at birthday parties. What happened to just participating and having fun?

So we were at a hotel in Munnar on New Years Eve. The hotel restaurant had arranged a gala dinner which had a variety of food and drinks. There were games, songs and dances through the night. One of the many games was the most annoying classic, The Musical chair. The introvert in me found the darkest corner of the party and set up camp there. As I was comfortably settling in the dark minding my own business, some hotel staff started games for ladies. I tried my best to be polite by accepting the offer to participate (and boycott later of course). The staff had other plans though. I gave up my cozy corner and reluctantly went upto the stage where the musical chair began for women. I was casually walking around chairs (murmuring and swearing under my breath) like a retarded jobless female when suddenly the lady behind me stepped on my feet. I turned around and she said Sorry. I said ‘it’s okay’, but deep inside I was contemplating the torture I was undergoing by leaving a peaceful place only to come to the limelight and be kicked by random strangers. The lady kept kicking me atleast eight to ten times and each time I noticed that she was madly calculating the chairs as the music played. She was playing this game as if her life depended on it and hence ignored the pain she was causing to people behind and in front of her. She was crazily keeping one step forward for each chair!

Yes you can cheat in musical chair also. These are the type of obsessive women one should stay far away from. These are the mothers whose children can’t handle failure, breakups or rejection because they were taught that they HAVE TO win. Be it a lottery or a lucky draw that gives balloons as prizes, they should win by hook or by crook. Little do they realize that at the end of day, they are cheating, lying, making more enemies than friends and are being dangerously cunning.

Well I left the game soon enough .This feet-crusher lady dint win either, and I had an extra drink to celebrate her loss. I owed it to my toes, my poor toes.  

Image Courtesy: Here

I have come across people who have no sense of tune, voluntarily singing at events just for a participation prize. The collective eardrums and sanity of the audience are tested. Music is insulted. Further still, some "singers" at parties have made me want to cry and go to office – imagine how bad that would have been.

 

It is still okay to live and let live. Not all prizes need to be won. Not all talents are gifted to us. Even in the midst of cut throat competition, we have our space, our unique identity, something about us that cannot be replaced by anyone. Believe in that.

Believe in YOU.

Bicycle Diaries..

Is 2018 almost over already? That’s like 365 days of my life I royally wasted planning to do something worthwhile. I am unable to recall doing anything productive with my life apart from writing codes and being on the core team for a successful go-live of a huge project, but this cannot be called as an achievement. So basically what did I do?  I ignored my health more than any other year. (Insert sarcastic applause here). Sometime in January, the procrastinator in me decided to document the to-do list for 2018 “later”, and that “later” never came so I have conveniently forgotten them. One point I can faintly remember was to learn to ride a bicycle.

I drive car in India and Oman but riding a bicycle has always been a challenge. Fortunately, knowing how to ride a bicycle was not a prerequisite to get admissions or jobs or to get married :D Dreaming about riding a bicycle itself was out of my league, thanks to my super conservative but highly educated parents. We were living under a rock of old-school beliefs. So my bicycle dreams did not fly during my childhood, in fact it dint even hatch. I wasn’t allowed to go to school excursions nor did I visit the homes of any friends, let’s all piously observe a few seconds of silence for that.

Image Courtesy: Here

 

 

In early 2018, I decided to learn to ride a bicycle. Now this was a decision which had several dependencies. Firstly, there should be a bicycle. Secondly, there should be a person who has time and interest to teach. Thirdly, I should initiate to learn. The first two were not hard to find but the third one was quite a Herculean task. So my seven year old had been asking for a bigger bicycle and his Dad bought him one which was only one size smaller than a normal adult bicycle.

Last evening we were at the park as the little one wanted to ride it outdoors. Suddenly this thought struck me – I wouldn’t look too big on this one! All my three prerequisites have been met, my stars have aligned and the Universe has conspired to realize my dream. So what am I waiting for? The boys were discussing the gears on their new toy with joy and enthusiasm when I dropped the bomb on them- ‘Can you teach me too ?’

My question was met with mixed reactions. My son’s expression was something like ‘Is she serious? Would she fall and ruin my new bicycle ?’  The spouse was looking around and had an expression like ‘Are there any hospitals nearby…’. After few minutes of dramatic silence, they both mentally aligned to agree. I sat on the bicycle, and the spouse caught it from behind the seat. ‘Keep pedaling!’ they said. I was scared to ask them to click a photo (what is the point of doing something out-of-the-box and not updating on Instagram?). My son was excited as opposed to my expectations. He proudly watched me cycling my dreams away.

The next ten minutes I got support from him, and after that I was on my own. It was such an exhilarating experience, to ride without any help and to be able to strike off at least one row from my bucket list. I have no words. I never got such satisfaction whenever I activated my code without any errors. I never found such happiness even when I was appreciated for my work at office.

Last but not the least, the priceless expression on the faces of my boys gave me goosebumps.

The expression was something like “This bicycle is done with”.
 

The price of Stress.

Stress is a fireball that burns holes everywhere it hits, including the pocket.

Work has kept me on my toes all month (and year, and the year before), and stress sucked all my creative juices that the only thing I write now is Code. The pressure to drag myself into unreasonable deadlines manifests itself into many glorious ways, like annoying everyone around on purpose. Anyone trying to get in my way gets showered with words I have handpicked to celebrate the auspicious occasion of my stressful life.  So one fine morning, the spouse became the victim and then what happened next, sky-rocketed our family expense graph out of the frame.

I went straight to the jewelry shop and bought that gold pendant I’d been eyeing for quite some time. Someone is legally available to be annoyed by me, so why should we waste the opportunity? So Ms. Stress heaved a sigh of relief and evil-laughed at the spouse. This laugh later echoed into my entire month as it was just one week into September and I had already depleted all resources. Gold is too costly to be bought at the spur of a moment, my dear friends and Ms. Stress is pure evil. Coming to think of it, I could have bought diamonds, at least I dint do that right?

The same week, I had further differences within my work circles and lost my sanity yet again. This time I headed to the mall and bought a top. There was a sale and the top was beautiful. So now it is evident that the finances of my family rest solely on the demeanor of my colleagues. After all the hasty purchases I made, I never felt guilty for what I bought. The pendant looks so lovely that any female with a good sense would appreciate me for the classy buy. Actually they’d ask me what I drank before heading to buy it rather than whether I was really stressed ;-)

Image Courtesy: Here

 

Apart from money, there are other ways one pays for being stressed. I just have to run my fingers through my head once, and voila ! there’s a bunch of hair in my hand! One pays for stress with hair. Like I wrote earlier, my parlor lady has slashed her prices for hair treatments specifically for me, as she does not have to work too hard in my case. My friend said she could see my scalp from the elevator when I was climbing the stairs. There is light reflecting from my scalp in some of my selfies. So in the weekend I headed to the hairstylist again and asked her whether there is any way to not let the world know that I have no hair. She nearly cried and gave me a pretty reasonable haircut, but yeah the scalp can still be seen. And you who saw it from the elevator – get a life!

Sigh, and end of day when I go home, hair or no hair, there is my little son-shine, who can wipe out any stress effortlessly. ‘Amma you’re my best friend’ he said-just before revealing that he lost his new pencil, eraser, color pencil pouch and English notebook all on the same day.

But, who cares! I am his best friend yoohoo!

Hair and Teeth Fiasco

Life sometimes gets ridiculous to the point that we actually pay people to insult us. Every person we pay for any services whatsoever, feel the need to pass on those precious pearls of wisdom, also known as free advice. Truth be told, no one appreciates a third person holding a magnifying mirror to our flaws.

So of late, my dentist and hair stylist have collectively gone on a mission to embarrass me. One busy day I was munching some nuts at work, when a smart nut felt adventurous and decided to explore the remotest gap within my tooth. I tried to push it out using my tongue, which got bruised in the process. Later 562 toothpicks failed in the same mission. Finally I was forced to book an appointment with my dentist, whom I was trying to avoid for the past few months. My teeth had other plans though.

She has the most amazing chair at her office. This chair, almost like a modified recliner, which has everything from a mirror to lights to a multi-purpose mini table attached to it, is one of the reasons I go to her. She was happy to see me; she knew the history behind every one of my teeth, as she has pulled out few and performed root canal in others. All my teeth seemed to say hi to her. She examined my tooth which had the embedded nut, and unleashed her sharp weapons to start excavation which lasted a few minutes until the nut gave up and decided to come out.

She then said ‘Anita you need to get it filled, else the same can happen again’.

I asked ‘This one?’ pointing to the tooth which just parted with the nut.

She replied ‘Honestly, if you ask me, it is not just this tooth. There are a multitude of other teeth which needs to be filled’.

Her assistant stifled a laugh. Until then, that dude was peeping into my mouth as though it had a hidden treasure deep inside.

‘Okay’, I mumbled.

Dentists are brutally honest, I tell you. And about this dude who laughed. I hope he finds his treasure somewhere else.

Later in the week there was an official event for which I had to blow dry my hair.  I called the stylist and got an appointment. I have been going to her for a long time and she is aware of the fact that I used to have thick voluminous hair once upon a time. I sat on her chair. Earlier she used to part my hair into three or four sections and blow dry each. Something like a divide and rule process. She combed and ran her fingers through my hair and gasped, ‘What happened to your hair?’ with an exasperated expression.

Image Courtesy: Here

I felt I owed her an explanation even though it was my hair , it rests on my head and it carries the DNA of my family. I explained that my project gave me no time to come home, forget maintaining hair and skin. She took a smaller comb and as usual divided my scalp into four sections. She clipped the first section only to realize that the other sections were not needed. Meanwhile her floor was full of my hair from the first and only section. “Two more sessions like this and you will be bald” she happily warned me. Actually it was my fault to think that my hair qualified for blow drying. She did not charge me at a usual rate, and added

 “For your hair you can pay half or less for any hair services”.

Yeah. Even the dentist may say the same thing soon once all my teeth are extracted.

How much is too much?

I dint update my blog in the month of April, considering the fact that  I had updated twice the month I gave birth in 2011. No I did not give birth to quadruplets in April, just that some software projects sucked the life out of me and is only a tad less uncomfortable than childbirth.

Before I go into whine mode let me say that I love my job, colleagues and the space and recognition I get professionally. I am very much loved around here and get to laugh a lot. I love to write software codes, my work is not repetitive, I get to face a lot of challenges, my boss is cool and I feel blessed by all this.

That was a disclaimer that leads to the fact that in IT, one is expected to work regardless of time of the day, day of the week, gender, marital status, weather conditions, earthquake alerts, flood, political situations, bad health and the fact that you are a human being. I haven’t had a proper weekend in a long time and now I am in a ridiculous situation in which I am wondering what I did on weekends when I had them.

 

To be honest, working on weekends and then going back to work when the week starts feels MEH.  Meh is an understatement, actually. Man there should be a day when one is not expected to wake up and show up, right? A day I can sleep peacefully until I rise on my own, without any evil external forces trying to barge into my happiness. By evil external forces, I mean my family. Honestly, I love my family but my idea of ‘taking an off’ or ‘letting my hair down’ or ‘taking a break’ involves switching off the wifi and data, and lazing on the couch watching TV or sleeping ALONE without any disturbance whatsoever. It is completely harmless right? I am not asking anything of anybody.

 I am not a foodie, nor do I feel hungry every now and then. Neither am I a cleanliness freak so I don’t shower five times on a weekend. I don’t sing, dance or make noise.I don’t harm anyone on purpose. I am not crazy about gold, diamonds, cars or property (not because I don’t have the money).  I don’t pollute the environment in any way nor do I use any non-renewable resources. I am highly eco-friendly. I just want to do nothing on the sofa.



This is another idea of "taking a break!"
Image Courtesy: Here

Not getting ten official calls less than five minutes is luxury. Not having to check emails and not having to reply to them with a solution in less than an hour is luxury. Sleeping knowing that the alarm is off for the next morning is luxury. Peace is expensive. Being able to laugh to Tom and Jerry cartoons is luxury. Sigh.

My luxury may not be your luxury, but my idea of taking a break is very reasonable. I want to be left alone with TV, sofa and electricity to run the AC as it is freaking hot here. Oh and some wine would be good. And a Thai masseuse. And a Bose speaker that plays my favorite songs on loop.

Is this too much to ask?

Corporate Survival for Dummies.

No one ever enthusiastically came out of a meeting and said ‘Wow! That was life-changing!’ unless they got fired in that meeting. The IT sector is not as cool as the air conditioned cabins we are stationed in.  Sometimes elaborate mails are received which are too much to make head or tail of. You read it, and read again, and again, still no clue. You see the list of people to whom the mail has been sent to, and look around to see their expressions. This is one of the best forms of entertainment in the IT department. There should have been a meeting to discuss that rocket science of an email but some mastermind decided not to.

On other days, there are meetings which are long and completely unnecessary after which you feel like a month passed by and it is time to do eyebrows again.

Image Courtesy: Here

However in my case I do not go prepared for any meeting. I am not proud of it though. I check with my boss whether my presence is absolutely necessary. If she feels I should participate, I make a guest appearance. My public speaking skills are as good as Varun Dhawan’s acting skills, so my boss does not drag me in unnecessarily. My strongest skill is the ability to write email. If anyone tries to ruffle my feathers, they stand the chance to receive the most elaborate, shrewdly worded email, with screenshots, bullet points and hints of sarcasm that could be nominated to The Literary Award for Emails. This has not deterred anyone from picking bones with me but my email attack is never mild. There will also be atleast ten people it would have been copied to. At some meetings, if you could listen to what I am talking inside my head, you will be blown away by my incompetence on the verbal front.

I like to watch my colleagues bring books, pens, ipads or laptops to meetings, and how they take these discussions seriously. They fiercely debate over topics, disagree aggressively but leave the room holding hands or making jokes. I mean, how is this possible? When I have an official argument with a person I’d be secretly planning to screw his life.

Then there are legends that arrive with punch dialogues. Like for example I put forth a suggestion and they say “There are four disadvantages to that option”. I wouldn’t have finished saying my suggestion and they have already counted four counter arguments! FOUR! I am completely NOT in awe of such people. How did he possibly come up with four points before I finished talking? Basically, there are only 3 points - the 1^st and 3^rd are the same, they are just worded differently. The second point is not related to the topic.

So the moral of the story is that if you want to be taken seriously inside the air conditioned glass cabins:

1.      You should have that confidence to say in a forum, ‘I have three points to add’ when you actually have none.

2.      Argue with a person on their field of expertise in a language and tone of speech that bowls over the entire panel.

3.      When someone talks logically and you don’t know what to reply, smile sarcastically as if you knew what he is talking ten years ago.

4.      When someone brings up an idea, immediately spring up from the chair and claim that it was your idea and that you were about to say it (then what held you back you moron?)

5.      If you are not the boss, ACT like one. Laugh only at the boss’s joke. Ignore the jokes of everyone else.

6.      Never keep your phone on silent mode, and answer your calls (most likely from the credit card section of the bank) with an expression like Trump called for a mission to save the planet and walk back in after the smoke in the meeting has subsided.

7.      At any point of time, maintain the constipated expression.

Looks like I could go on and on and publish a book about ‘Corporate Survival for Dummies’ (written by a dummy who is still trying to stay afloat) but honestly, my department is bursting with ideas to write more!

Let me go back to work now, I have an email to compose ;-)