Tuesday, January 4, 2011

An undue apology...unacknowledged.

2010 had been an eventful year, as I was uprooted from the comforts of Bangalore and replanted in the scorching Muscat. Bangalore was always my second home…warmth and fun of friends around, and parents reachable in a matter of hours. But many factors of a detailed plan did not allow us to succumb to the warmth of familiarity any longer. It was a milestone, or a significant turn in my journey, but this did not count as the most surprising or should I say, the most remarkable event of 2010.

Rewinding ten years back in time... and I was in Grade 11. I’d been in the company of girls until grade ten, and suddenly we were introduced to students of an acclaimed boy’s school, at a tuition center, in the eleventh grade. Soon we were good friends with them. 

I was in the company of eight other girls at school; one of us soon had an affair with a guy at the tuition class. This guy, hereafter referred to as P, was very friendly with all of us girls, even when he was pulling a string with her (hereafter referred to as N). N was away from her parents and staying with a strict relative. P and N had our support, but we never interfered in their affairs. However, many of our parents had seen them on the roads holding hands, which was considered extremely sinful during those times. Papa had also seen them together and asked me what was going on…to which an awfully excuse-retarded me said that P and N were cousins.

Time passed and our tuition teacher once spotted them together. Whether she warned them or did she directly inform their parents is still not known. Anyways, their relationship became known to N’s relative. N was not allowed to answer any calls, or attend tuition classes anymore. However, God knows on what grounds, but P blamed me for it. I had absolutely no role in this, except that I helped them contact each other on phone many times.

 So what happened next was devastating. 

It was a time of yahoo mail, and each of us had yahoo ids and dial up internet connections at home. P misused it by sending me an email, in which he insulted, brutally humiliated, and hurt me to my very core, thus shaking my very conscience. P even went on to hack my email, and sent forwards from my email id to guys of his school and others.Soon I noticed unknown guys whispering to each other and pointing at me at various occasions. But this did not even bother me in any way.But the mail he sent me ...really , badly, did. I still remember words from that email, even after these ten years, and my eyes well up. It hurts like hell. The following year in school, and later in college, I was an insecure, incompetent person bound by complexes triggered from that email.

By the second year in college, I had little or no time to nurture these complexes, and I was back to myself once again, active and bubbly and made and lot of friends. I buried the dark phase, but never did I forget it. I never had any contact with P or N since.

Some friends I discussed this to, heard me casually... often visibly wondering how seriously an email can hit a person this hard. It’s happened to me and I know how words can hit harder than a punch.
Ten years after the incident, in year 2010, I got an email from P. He is getting married.
This is the email:

hope u remember me!, i know it is a long long time.....
just wanted to say sorry for all the stupid things i have said n done....

i know it is little too late...but really felt i should say this.... 'I M SORRY'

im now into our family business...n things r quite ok....get to hear of u once in a while...

my greeting to ur sister and family!


I never replied to this email. By typing a breezy mail like this, he must have steered clear of a pending apology and must be feeling better. And as per the Holy Scriptures, I am supposed to forgive and forget. May be I can take a little longer… or can I?


  1. Forget but don't forgive :) .....

    You did a good thing by not replying.. I guess, for lifetime, he will repent about this..

  2. Boy is it a season of past demons or what!

    I'm neither much of an advisor nor much of an forgiver, so dunno what else to add. But even I wouldn't have replied if I was in your shoes!

  3. yes..you should ignore even if you have forgiven them ...its like closing the chapter forever!
    tc..and cheer up!

  4. However, many of our parents had seen them on the roads holding hands, which was considered extremely sinful during those times - wat abt now ?

    Yep some e-mails, words can hurt really bad , when you dont even have idea why its happening ..

    Pinne .. karayuvonnum venda .. mmakku lavane shariyakkam ... do u want me to contact bluebells team ?

  5. "I am supposed to forgive and forget.. May be I can take a little longer",, I still dont understand, why its obligatory to forgive the moment they say sorry!
    forgiving is good, but, taking time!! ppl make us feel its a crime!! n feel guilty about!

    just give time some time!! n do what you feel like!

  6. Prasad: Yes. After all the damage done, I think I can take the liberty to decide whether I should forgive, or reply to the email, or whatever :-) I'm glad you too felt the same.

    Blunt: I am so glad you're with me :-)

  7. Harman: Thank You... and after writing this out, I am actually feeling better !

    Praful: Holding hands is like giving a shake hand...not much of a sin now :D
    Hmm thanks Praful for your words...and u said it right...some things when it happens...it hurts most when we have no idea why !

  8. Moonlite: True moonlite. Given the damage he did knowingly or unknowingly, I deserve the liberty to take my own time to forgive. When someone apologizes, and whether they mean it or not, we are supposed to forgive. But whether we should do it immediately is not specified.

  9. "MEMORIES play a very confusing ROLE. They make u Laugh when u remember the time u Cried. But make u Cry when u remember the time u laughed... !"

  10. Lakshman: However this one still makes me cry ...when I remember the time I suffered and cried harder !

  11. I know exactly what you are feeling!
    Anyways on the lighter side, I am waiting for the day when I come up on ur blog as 'A' or 'D' :-D

  12. Hmmm...forgiving does not mean it will not still hurt or that the scar will not be sensitive to touch. When we are hurt deeply, an apology especially one that took little effort and is much like an afterthought, seems a bit insincere. I am glad he acknowledged his wrong, even if it was weak and lacked the courage to face you and hear how he really hurt you. Thanks for sharing this.

  13. Hi, this is P here, making it clearer Prashant here. You have the freedom to think and do what you feel too, but just thought I should clarify one part of the write up.
    'P even went on to hack my email, and send forwards to guys of his school and others.'

    I NEVER DID THIS,I really do not know from where you got this idea. the next line you have added of guys pointing at you, this just 'creative visualization', because you thought someone was sending mails from your id!.

    And yes getting married on 10th jan, most invited :)

    cheers :)

  14. Don't know why but even I have been thrashed through mails by my so-called friends for no rhyme or reason.

    I guess you should forgive P...

  15. Patti.... "N" ennu ezhuthiyal naattukaar njan aanu ennu thettidharikkum :P Elsewhere in your blog, I'm always the one referred to as "N" :(

    Hehehehe :)

  16. Davis: Can't say !

    Grayquill: I totally agree with you, Grayquill.

  17. Prashant: I'm not going to establish anything here, as whatever you did can't be undone. However, now you cant undo anything by calling it a 'creative visualization'. Anyways you have said sorry, and I do not intend to dig up this stinky stuff or clear myself.

    Here is wishing you a very happy married life.

  18. G3: :-)Will try !

    Niranjana: Not u ! Not u !!!!

  19. Dear APC I just've 1 thing 2 tell u "Thank You"...

    its is only because of u today i've a good friend...Prashant...All this 10 years he z been with me thru thick and thin like u or ninju...

    Now after a decade of having known him i know wat he wld do and wat he wont...
    I'm not here 2 contest wat u said & i've never done that...
    But i've always wanted u and prashant 2 b good friends like how u're when u introduced me 2 him and when me & prashant discussed about this after 10 years, he without a 2nd thought sent u an apology mail...
    When u discussed this with me more than a month ago i asked u 2 send a 2 line formal mail 2 him and u are still blogging 2 find out wat 2 do...

    Now i realise the damage done is beyond repair and let us all be good friends atleast with each other...

    Happy New Year

  20. Woah! Just look at them trying to beg forgiveness from you. Further shamelessly fighting for their innocence. I however agree that sometimes we conjure up feelings of someone staring at us and talking bad things. Especially for girls its even more difficult. I have nothing against your friends but they are definitely the worse that can happen to anyone.

    If I was in your shoes, I would have hacked back and done enough damage that they would have never been able to show their face to the world.

    P.S. Anita, you don't know me, and I am just a regular blog reader of yours cause I like it. I have never written comments on your post but this event you described was disturbing and I can only hope you forget the difficult years as well as some XYZ writing to you for forgiveness. Have a wonderful year ahead.

  21. Arathi: I'm happy you've found a friend in him. And I sincerely wish it remains so till the end of time. Happy New Year.

    Anonymous: Thank You so much for liking my blogs and being a regular reader :-) The difficult times are already behind me, and I was almost on the verge of forgetting this, when the apology mail came. Now I think this incident dint deserve to be on my blog ! Hmm anyways...happy new year to you too.

  22. Hey Anita, that was a good read... If I were in your place, I would not reply for a long time and make him wonder whether I have forgiven him ;p.... and probably act "great" if I get a second mail!!! ;D
    (...but the problem with me is I would keep checking my inbox too often!!!!!)

  23. Krazzy: After having done so much ,and in ten years I had completely forgotten the incident and the guy behind it. So I never expected an email of this sort, and that was the surprise in 2010 !

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