Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A call from happiness to despair..

That call came all of a sudden. I was balancing a plate of food, an overstuffed purse, and a mobile in my hands. The mobile hadn’t lost its ability to display the incoming number, and I was thankful to the fossil (read: mobile) for that. I kept the plate amidst a gang of cheerful friends, pressed the ‘answer’ button (which God willingly hadn’t been damaged yet) and moved apart.

It was an official call. The caller was melancholy. In another five minutes, it all happened. My performance ratings for the fiscal year were not even close to my expectations. My spirits faced a mighty downfall. My smiles collapsed to give room to expressions of indifference and frustration. I was facing away from my friends, and I could still hear them laughing. I stared through windows into space. The guy had already disconnected the call, but I was pretending to be on call. My eyes welled up. I am not an over ambitious techie who expects a double promotion with an onsite project in these times of recession. The right to desire the minimum is still mine. The passion and loyalty behind it is genuine and as real as life. I felt like being dropped unfeelingly from the top of a mountain into bare vacuum.

Holding the mobile closer to my ear, I rubbed off that tear with my dupatta. I was still on pretending mode. I was told that the guy who did my ratings had left. There weren’t officially anyone to help me, even though there would always be peers to join in my disastrous performance ratings and console me. My eyes were still fixed on nowhere. The urge to go back and join them at lunch was declining by the minute. If I go back now, I knew that my face would declare aloud the frustration which I do not prefer to disclose. It would spoil the only brief camaraderie which we all enjoy during lunch hours. I dint want to put the fly in the pudding.

I grabbed up some fake expressions, painted them beautifully on my face, and walked back merrily to the bunch of friends who never stopped eating. I talked and laughed as normally as I would always do, and left the cafeteria gradually, showing no signs of the fast depleting courage.
Back in my den, I leaned back and got lost in thoughts. I called up my sister and talked the matter out. Its almost out of my head now. But there are traces.

These ratings sure left a mark of despair,din't they? Not to let history repeat itself, is still in my ever optimistic hands. Safe until the next fiscal year.

13 comments:

  1. Potte.. saramilla :-) their loss.. they'r yet to find out what you can do...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I landed on your blog and this was the first post I read... and of course I know the story only from your perspective... but I hope you dont allow a performance rating to impact your self worth and confidence...

    There is a near perfect job for everyone out there... hopefully you will find yours soon...

    Till then cheer up... get that smile back... it looks nice on your face (if that is your photograph)... I am gonna go and read more of your blog now... cheers...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for dropping by, ATMM! And yeah, that is my photograph!

    ReplyDelete
  4. When one has done their best and their best is still short of either their own expectations or anothers expectations, that is the height of frustration and disappointment. I have been in that place - hang in their and keep showing up doing your best and you will get better. It is a fact of life.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Whats happend has happend and its time to move on and smile...ull have to write about a friend whos gonna be in the same boat in a weeks time...so wait till i get back ..we'll party letting out the grief within...so smiiile now!!! Well Yes needless to say amazing write up!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Grayquill: Yes , A lot of tears've been wasted..tears of frustration, despair and eventually demotivation. Hmm..
    @Vineeta: I'm still grieving over it, Vinee, it has really really let me down. Now I have to climb up faster, but even the thought of it is pulling me down! Help!

    ReplyDelete
  7. When one gives us feedback either positive or negaitive it is our job to evaluate the merit of the feedback. Was any truth spoken? If the answer is yes, that should be motivating because now we know what can be done to change and improve the situation. If there was no truth spoken than our task is to cast off the words and realize the person has a problem that has nothing to do with me. His/her opinion should not be honored. If his words should not be honored than give the words no tears.
    Now - demotivation...if the work enviornement is very negative and you are afraid you will always make a mistake - it is time to begin looking for a more positive work place. Fear of failure is a set up for more failure. If you stay you must find a way to cast aside any fear of failure. Trust in your work ethic and your knowledge. If more than one person is telling you about a flaw then you should take note and listen.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am surely taking your valuable advice, Grayquill.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hey..dont worry.. u take this as a challenge n prove yourself.. I am sure they dont realise yet wat a terrble mistake they have made.. Time to prove yourself! I am sure you will b rejoicing this time next yr! Beware guys! Here she comes..!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I understand how u feel ,been through it my self.. I have to live with a average rating and no hike for the whole year ;-( .. this is how I got a grip on my self. Came back home on that fateful day searched my album took a print out of my manager photograph pasted it on a dart board and hit bull eye :-) Better luck next time !!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Just Words: Yeah hitting a bull eye can be a temporary solace..but every time I see them, the frustration comes rushing back!What to do..! Sniff!

    ReplyDelete